Dangerous Innocence

how do i explain that
i cannot let you love me
i cannot let you in any further
not because you’re cruel
but because you are dangerously innocent.
 
those jabs
meant to be ‘fun’ teases of love
cut straight through my flesh
because i’m wounded
more wounded that you can ever understand
and that’s why i can’t let you in any further
you do not know how to care for a woman like me
 
how can i explain that which can only be experienced
when i expressed my hurt before
your animal mind noted the neighborhood of my pain
and it aims straight for the soul when intending to cause me harm
you don’t wish too much harm
but you underestimate the harm caused.
 
now
i have to hide the pain
lest you know a victim is in the neighborhood
and then you will devour me.
 
how can you explain that every mean word hurts
to somebody who is so sheltered
who doesn’t know that pain can come in this many forms
someone who has never let himself feel fully the pain in his life
does he know what pain truly feels like?
 
i’m clean
i don’t use drugs and alcohol to numb my pain anymore
i’m bare
i feel it all
i have to shut my door
i cannot let you know how much it hurts
you have abused that privilege every single time in the past.
 
i have to protect my heart
my body
my mind
by pretending it doesn’t hurt
and then run the first chance i get
i can’t wait to never see you again.

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